Reflective Parenting

A toddler is upset, crying, and having a big behavioral response. Mother begins to explain to him that he needs to calm down, and the toddler begins to scream louder, harder, and more intensely. His face is flushed, he cannot see because his eyes are full of tears, he’s mouth is filling with saliva and it’s falling to the ground. He’s on all fours, firmly planted on the ground.

Mother looks tired and defeated. She tries talking to him again. His screams now turn into a shrill cry. We’ve been here before. Mother knows that we may be here for a while. Mother is tired and overwhelmed. She’s scared that this will continue for what will feel like hours, but it’s only minutes. Mother wants to reach him, but it seems impossible.

Mother, with tears in her eyes, asks, “Dr. Evy, what do I do?”

Mother and toddler look at Dr. Evy. Mother’s eyes plead for help. Toddler’s eyes are filled with fear and panic, he continues crying and screaming, not moving paralyzed by his own emotions.

In a whisper, I begin to coach Mother. Toddler screams louder. I speak in a whisper that is almost inaudible. I begin to prompt Mother again. Mother begins to take deep breaths and follows the simple steps given to her. Toddler, unsure of what to do, screams louder and cries harder.  Mother’s gaze softens and she coaxes him to approach her, and she shares the calm & regulated state she’s now engaged in. Toddler turns and looks at me, and I smile the softest smile and turn my gaze to Mother. Toddler, still crying, with saliva still falling from his mouth, covering his tiny hands and arms, he crawls forward and stops. Mother sits on the floor so they're eye level, crisscross applesauce, palms up on her knees. She motions for him to come closer.

He looks back at me, making sure I am not moving. He slowly begins to crawl forward, until he gets to the edge of her knees. Mother is still not saying anything. She extends her arms, offering an embrace. He slowly crawls into her lap and she pulls him close and holds him as though he’s a tiny infant, and begins to rock, slowly & gently. He’s trying to catch his breath and his crying begins to decrease. Mother wipes the tears from his face and he rests his head on her chest. She holds him and squeezes him tight, and they sit in silence together. She openly accepts his feelings, knowing full well that emotional states are not long lasting and this too shall pass. She communicates, non-verbally, love, acceptance, safety, and security. He feels safe. He is Safe. Emotionally and Relationally Safe.

I mouth to Mother, “Good Job, Mom," so I will not disrupt the beautiful Connect & Repair happening before me.
She smiles tenderly.

The storm is over, mother is sharing her peace, and her toddler is responding to her calm.
They’re Co-Regulating!